Thoughts from a Train

As I write this sentence, I have been on trains for about 10 hours, almost solidly. This has tired my brain out quite a lot, and now I feel a little ill. It might also have something to do with the fact I’ve basically only eaten carbohydrates all day. I have been through two countries, three trains, and covered many hundreds of kilometres. Some little amount of German has been spoken, because I desperately needed coffee in Frankfurt or the grumpy was going to turn into homesick. I may also be hung over, and am also definitely sunburnt.

This trip started out life as a procrastination plan during exams; a journey which sounded exciting on paper, but probably wouldn’t happen. Then it turned into a trip which was happening, visiting a few places on my own and visitng friends who have moved away from the UK. I set the challenge of doing it without ever flying, because environmental travel is something which we should all strive for, and rail travel has improved to the point where most of western Europe is accessible from Edinburgh within a day. This also had the side effect that if my internal and inherent fear of loneliness and new experience kicked in, I could just go home, with little issue.

Now I have a job interview on the 26th in Amsterdam, so whatever I end up doing, I will have to stay somewhere on the continent until then. Do I want the job I’m interviewing for? I don’t know.
I want to do something worthy, which it certainly is.
I want to stay in Edinburgh, which it certainly isn’t.
I want to experience the challenge of not living in the UK, to learn another language to a real standard, not just the standard I claim to have.
I like Amsterdam.
I liked the person who I spoke to at the company a lot, and they seem really keen to have me on board.
I need to go to a place where I can continue with my music, because I cannot imagine my life without it.
I do not know what to do.

I’m finally going to Berlin on Monday. Long time fans will remember the “Elly broke her ankle” incident, which led to the last attempt getting stymied at the last minute. Am I worried about that happening again?

I’m finally visiting Sweden, having had it on the todo list for at least a decade. I’m going alone to a place I speak maybe ten words of the language, on the advice that everyone speaks mine. I’m visiting a friend who I have not spent time with since the second year of my degree, and I can’t shake the fear that one or both of us is going to hate it. I’m being ridiculous, of course.

I’m visiting Norway, because I have an ex-flatmate from interesting place now with a guest bedroom. Do I feel like a burden? Oh yes. Yet I also want to spend time with him before I very possibly never see him again, as our lives take different paths. People make our lives, and I’m spending what could very possibly my last full month with a flat in Scotland away from home.

I’m spending way too much on this trip. I think I’m spending clever, with discounts and deals to get the best for what I think is reasonable, but my sense of reasonable value is terrible. The what-ifs are building, and I’ve barely begun. I’ve had a long day, and it will all turn out fine in the end.

I am now rolling into Dresden, and am more confused than ever.