Far From The Home I Love

I’m writing this at midnight. I’ve just got back from band, which has been fun lately, even if I feel like I’m drifting away from the people in it. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed playing for the sake of playing in quite a while, and the challenge of learning a new instrument is giving me something to work on. It’s also the respite from the fact I really am failing at the “becoming employed” thing now. I really can’t shake the feeling I’m doing something fundamentally wrong.

How can I hope to make you understand
Why I do what I do,
Why I must travel to a distant land
Far from the home I love

‘Far From the Home I Love’ from ‘Fiddler on the Roof’

In the morning, I have a Skype interview for a job in Grenoble. As far as I can tell, there are only four candidates for three positions. This means that there is a very real chance I will get the job. It is unarguably the most exciting job opportunity I’ve had given it uses my degree and it needs actual skills I actually have.

The problem is that more than ever Edinburgh feels like home. France isn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, like Siberia. In fact, when I applied for this job, I was excited by the prospect of moving away, having only just got back from my travels and wanting an outlet for the resultant feeling of being cooped up. However, in the past month, I’ve met some wonderful people, and also felt somewhat like I’m neglecting the old friends who probably need me as much as ever. I’ve also set about trying to sabotage the one really good thing which has been happening lately, through some self-defeating instinct which wants to force my cynical and pessimistic vision to become reality.

I need to go to bed, this much is certain. What happens after that is anyone’s guess.

Edit: I’m going to France. Edit 2: It was a wasted trip.