Frustration

I’m frustrated. You might’ve got that from the title. I’ve been really busy in the past few months, in a good way. Rehearsals have started up again, irregularly. In September, I had everything worked out so I could do all that I wanted. Then everything fell apart.

Full agoraphobic, losing focus, cover blown
A book on getting better hand-delivered by a drone
Total disassociation, fully out your mind
Googling “derealization”, hating what you find
That unapparent summer air in early fall
The quiet comprehending of the ending of it all

“That Funny Feeling” from “Inside” by Bo Burnham

With rehearsals changing days, suddenly one thing I wanted to do and one thing I love to do clashed. The “wanted to do” won, because I had committed to it. I’m now really feeling the lack of the other.

The feeling which has existed for a lot of the past year of time slipping away, or just vanishing completely, has amplified in the last week or so. I was wiped out with a cold, that because of the ongoing thing forced me into isolation for a couple of days while confirming that it was in fact just a cold. I was action for a week. Re-entering society after isolation felt like I’d missed another year, but this time of only me.

I don’t want to do anything.

Being ill reminded me of all of the fear of possibly making people I care about unwell. Then I had someone else change their plans including me tangentially several hours after the last minute, as I tried not to fall asleep until 3AM. While suffering fatigue from having a particularly virulent cold. That was fun.

Doing anything at the moment is a battle against a deep learned fear of other people. The need to escape, to hide away from the world, is deep in my bones now. Since daylight savings time ended and I’ve been going to evening activities in the dark, old psychological wounds have opened back up making the barrier to leaving the house that little bit harder.

I’m probably okay. It may not seem like it, but it’s probably nothing to worry about. I’m just internally inflexible against plans being forced to change, and I’d got my hopes up that my Monday would go back to be ing single-booked. Life is moving on around me, and I feel like I’m stuck in the current like a pole in a river, just causing turbulence for the rest of humanity. Being bothersome, because I can’t concentrate on anything and information enters and leaves my brain with incredible speed.