Autistic

It’s been a while, hasn’t it. It’s not for lack of content either - I’ve been through two whole jobs since I last wrote anything. I just haven’t quite had the energy or inspiration to write anything given how ridiculous life became. There has been a bit of a journey of self-discovery.

Reboot it, renew it
Reshoot it, redo it
And reuse it, retool it
Abuse it, just view it

“Reboot It” from Animaniacs (the reboot)

I discovered, for example, that I don’t deal well with regular travel for work. It’s not the actual travel, though I dislike flying, and nobody likes finding out the day before travelling that the public transport at the other end is all on strike and thus you get a two hour taxi ride complete with awkward French small talk at 9am. The thing I can’t do is the upheaval to my routine, and the loss of control for when I eat, where I sleep, and how I can use the internet to communicate.

I discovered I can in fact cope with a holiday where I’m spending a week doing not a lot on the coast - albeit not an actual beach because I went to Croatia which has very little actual sand. This was made easier by having a full apartment to myself, with miles to walk and a food shop relatively convenient. Campsites with more permanent accommodation, it turns out, aren’t quite as miserable as I had expected. It helped that I was there in the off-season too, so largely the other people there were very friendly German pensioners.

I discovered for the second time that I’m bad at interviews and have the amazing ability to say exactly the wrong thing, because a feedback form isn’t actually for honest feedback. “We’re concerned you might not be a good long-term fit for the team” because you’re too negative and unable to dance around problems is great to hear for your self-esteem. You’re not employable because of the way you are.

So it turns out, after the not-quite-beach-holiday, the two job hunts, and a lot of back-and-forth with medical secretaries for psychiatrists, that I’m autistic. This apparently isn’t entirely news for a lot of people who know me well. This was news to me.

I’m still waiting on the final reports from the diagnostic process so I’m still a little tentative to say anything concrete. It’s just nice to know that I’m not thoroughly broken.

The obvious follow-up question is “what now?“. The short answer is nothing. There’s nothing to be done except use this new information to make life easier to navigate. Suggestions on the back of a postcard.